The 10' barrier...

... was broken on Monday.

I usually don't write when I'm feeling too low. The outcome is a dark, depressive, everything seems pointless...
I do run, though.
I run even during those days, when the loneliness and the lack of hope rush in like huge soundless waves.
A knife in the guts, the hangman's knot...

I keep running...

Then, the other days come, when you're up on a mountain, in a forest just ten minutes outside the scorching city, you look at it from above, and it looks immense, and the view of the sea is comforting your soul and the cool breeze clears your mind and this is life.


Days are magical
when we can laugh without fear
The city is magical
 when we kiss in the park without fear.

Keep running, keep running...

Blog upgrade

My friend and coach André suggested that I should make my blog more "visually pleasing".

Since I'm still trying to figure out how this thing works, and I haven't decided how I want it to look, I'm giving all my loyal followers a small piece of visual pleasure :)





Here goes:

Thanks Runa, whoever you are!

How to date a schizoid personality type.

Are you into the shy guy who won't talk to you? the boy/girl with the dreamy eyes? the artistic type or the guy who just smokes alone in a corner looking cool? your school's lab geek?

Do you think that someone's interested in he/she seems so elusive and you don't know why?

Before you start harassing people, you may consider that he/she may just not be that into you!
(or he/she 's smoking too much weed)

Analysts are usually classifying people according to their personality type; almost like your sign!

A schizoid personality type is solitary type that tends to escape in the world of imagination in order to avoid getting hurt.

We look snobbish but we're shy.
We might want to talk to you, but we don't know how. I had trouble giving my condolences to a friend when his father passed away; I never said anything, it was like it never happened. In fact, I was very shocked and sad to hear it. A schizoid personality will sympathize with you and might have a great sensitivity on detecting the fluctuations of your own emotions. They have a hard time showing theirs.

We may have a poker face while we' re dying inside.Either we don't know how to react or we don't want to show any emotion. I've kept a poker face when people have broken up with me, when my mother's doctor announced that my mother was dying, when my supervisor at work was telling me that my numbers suck. The latter was considered as "lack of enthusiasm"...

Rationalization
Someone broke up with me: " I understand that he got tired of my being depressed for such a long time, it's normal, what can you do?", instead of:" mother fucker he found a girlfriend right away!"
Rationalization is schizoid's favorite defense mechanism.


Our privacy is vital
Schizoids have a huge personal space, they love their privacy and there are some boundaries that if anyone tries to cross they'll feel like they' re suffocating. They will enjoy a trip , going to watch a movie or just reading a book with a nice cup of coffee in the afternoon all by themselves.
Please, never sneak into our stuff, never come into our room without knocking.

Come close- stay away
Confused, eh? We're even more confused than you!
We' re really really scared of letting people very close to us. We avoid to get emotionally attached to people because we're scared they might go, or that when they're in there they will destroy a piece of us.
On the other hand, most of us seek a deep relationship with a partner.

Unwillingness to fit the norms
Do you have trouble following schedules not because you're lazy, or bored, but because it feels so against nature?
Have you taken the train to work and fantasized that when we go out of it we're all sheep about to be slaughtered and that's our life for the next 30 years and that thought is unbearable?
Do you hate it when at work/school everyone has to take a break at the same time?

Famous schizoid personalities: because it makes us feel better about ourselves:
Isaac Asimov, Charles Darwin, Sigmund Freud, Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Alfred Hitchcock,  Karl Marx,  Isaac Newton, Ezra Pound, Frantz Kafka.
In my opinion, Van Gogh was also a schizoid. If you see the "starry night" and you can almost see the swirling of the night, you know what I'm talking about. If you're actually seeing it, you're hallucinating, and usually, that's not a good thing...


****update***
A comment from a reader: "you don't actually tell us HOW to date a schizoid!"
Well, it's all about giving them space, and have enough patience and stability to persuade them that you're not going to invade their inner world if they open up to you. They might want to spend the night alone.

I am terrified when I start dating someone and we have sex and then we HAVE to sleep together the first night. It's impossible for me to sleep. I might me very interested in the other person, but it's just beyond me. I've told guys that they have to go home after sex explaining that it will be impossible for me to sleep. From all the movies, I understand that it's a really rude thing to do, but I'm honest and if it's meant to be a "one night stand" it will be one whether you go home and have a descent night's sleep or you spend an awkward night with someone in your bed... In my opinion, if we're into each other we'll see each other again, even if we don't spend the night together.

Oh, and most important: talk to them first! give them your phone number so that they're sure you're into them and if they're interested they'll call you back :)

The coolest 5K ever!

Zombies- Beer- Rock \m/

It all started with you.

Check your boobies now following these easy steps :)

Three- Four- Ten

Who says a minute doesn't make a difference?

Entering the 3rd week of training we increased our running from 3' to 4', a total of 20' with 1' walking breaks. When we began ( running  1' - walking 1' ) four minutes seemed like a huge deal. Yet, it went so smoothly!

Who can tell us that a minute is too little?

I am 31, unemployed and single. My resume has a one- year gap from the time I collapsed by depression. How do you explain that at your interview? Can I tell them that being alive is a huge accomplishment?

I might become 35 and not be married, I may be 40 and not have any kids. Do I have to do these things? I mean, it's not like I don't want to but it's not like I want to, either. I'd love to have a life partner, for ever and ever. If I don't find that person, do I still have to do them? Will I be so sad of being alone that I will regret it?

The last time at the beach, our newly 30-year old friend was bragging about his sweet and beautiful little niece and showed us her photo. She was really cute, but my uterus didn't skip a beat while looking at it. I'm not the kind of girl who melts at the view of babies. I don't even know what to do with them. Do you talk to them? Say hi?
And that question... "Do you like kids?"
What do you even mean? Do I like playing with them for 5 minutes? Do I want to have them? What if I say "No"? To tell you the truth, I don't like them in general! It's like saying: "Do you like people?". I don't know! I like some... But I've met them first! What kind of question is that anyway?

I called my ex- co-worker to congratulate her on her 35th birthday the other day. She is the "skipping-uterus" type! She is single, too. She is smart and beautiful, educated and doesn't look a day over 30. I asked her if she'd done anything special for her birthday.
- No, I've stopped celebrating my birthday 3-4 years ago...
-Why?
- What's there to celebrate? My youth? My kids?

I'm still shocked and angry at her!

Maybe that's why I don't let myself consider kids as amazingly cute and beautiful. Because, if I don't get to have them I may be crashed, too, by yet another goal that has not been accomplished... Would it be really my own goal, though? Or is it what everyone expects me to do in order to be considered "complete" as a woman and as a person? Maybe I got angry because I got scared I might feel the same way what I get to be 35...

I remember being with this wonderful guy, having some cretan raki, some chopped tomatoes  from my garden with sea-salt on them. The kind of guy you would never get bored with, not because he is exciting, but because you are so good for each other. An image flashed in my head, us doing the same thing, living together in a Greek island, the image of happiness. He said:
-You must be thinking of something evil again!
- No, not this time...

I just smiled at him.


Our next run will be 10' straight, and that's huge. Who can tell us that it isn't?

"If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you."

Race Signs

Photos taken from  :Best Race Signs

 

This one is for my awesome co- runner! :)

 

"Can't you just live and be happy at the same time?"

"2/3 of us don't ask for help..."

Yesterday, I had an awesome evening!

Before I went running I was feeling down, and dull and not wanting to move my ass out of the house. The insomnia stroke back after one year and I can't fall asleep before 7 am... Then, my friend came and we went running. We increased our running intervals from 2' to 3' with 1' walking in between. I think we ran a total of 2K. It might sound lame to you, but for us it's a big deal!

After my run my smile was big on my face, I was energetic and social :)
I went out for a drink with a girlfriend and we ended up at 5am with 2 other friends, swimming at the beach and watching the day wake up. I slept at 7am.
In your face, insomnia!

While we were at the beach we were talking about the "30's crisis" to one of the guys who just turned 30. Marriage, kids, what society expects you to do... We were saying that we're not very happy in general - my girlfriend is also depressed- and that the options are that either you die or you live being not very happy. The guy said "Can't you just live and be happy?

Weeeell, it's not like we prefer to be unhappy. Being depressed makes us suffer in a very profound way. I am glad I don't have this constant feeling of sadness and helplessness anymore. The truth is that it took me a long time to get here. I am taking my medication and I did almost two years of therapy. I'm still not entirely happy, but I am functional and I can enjoy life. There are still the down moments, but I'm still trying to figure things out.

There are some truths about depression:

1. One of the hardest thing about depression is that you feel that you'll never get out of it. It might also be true, if you've had too many periods of major depression and if you've never had any help.

2. The other big truth is that you don't HAVE to feel like that. You can really get out of this black hole that's dragging you.

3. People who've never had it, no matter how much they love you, might think you can just snap out of it. It's just a matter of "seeing things differently" and enjoying life. What they might not know is that when you're suffering from major depression your brain doesn't allow you to feel happiness and enjoy life. The chemical balance is broken. It's not that we don't want to be happy, we simply can't. We feel so sad and helpless that we might think to kill ourselves and some people try to- and succeed. It's not that we don't love you and we don't care about you. It's just that we feel so unhappy that our life is unbearable.
Ways that can help re-establish this balance are anti-depressants and therapy.

4. There are antidepressants that are not medication. Physical exercise, sex, some foods, sunlight, a hug can produce endorphins that make us happy. There is a point, though, that these "natural antidepressants" can't help anymore. I think this is what I'm trying to do by running. It's like my last resort; if this doesn't work, I don't know what else will...

Southern Europe is a sunny place, with happy, open people and strong family ties. At least, this used to be the case before the economic crisis stroke the PIGS (Portugal, Italy, Greece, Spain).
More and more people fall into depression and the attempts to suicide have risen dramatically.

If one of your friends/ relatives/ loved ones doesn't go out of the house, doesn't answer your calls, seems to be moody, abuses alcohol and drugs he/she might suffer from depression.
Don't be angry at him/her if they don't want to "snap out of it". Even I, sometimes, get angry when my loved ones realize they're depressed and they're not willing to do anything about it.

I think my anger shows that I see myself in them and how scared I am to go back to a major depression episode. It's like if they don't make it, I never will, either.

Our loved ones' anger is somehow different. It's like we're telling them "I don't love you enough to keep wanting to live for you".

It's true that other people can make us happy, but you cannot live your life for anyone else but yourself.


Some links with facts about depression:
Top 7 Therapy Myths
Major depression prognosis

Mein furher! I can run!

Running days are good days.

Being unemployed and broke can limit your choices just a tiny bit. It's too hot for me during the day to go out much. Today I went running and I was breathing hard on my way to the park before I even started running!

After a run I'm in the mood to do things. I feel more alive!
I usually go out and meet my friends, or have them over for dinner or wine in my tiny balcony.

My friends are my huge support group. They will chip in for beer. They might drive me home once in a while so I can stay longer with them and not have to pay for a taxi. We'll talk about life and politics, and shrinks, and relationships. We'll laugh. We'll act childish and laugh some more. We'll drink some more beer. We'll look at the beautiful view and stay silent.

Some of us have tried to seek the point in life; some of them still do. The lack of it sometimes crashes us. When this happens I stay at home, I don't feel like doing anything. Usually, this is not a running day.

Then, we'll have a beer looking at the beautiful view, and talk and laugh and stay silent.
This is life. Pointless, but sometimes worth living for these moments.
If it gets tough we can go. Since we're here for the moment we might as well live it.

0-5K schedule (updated)

I've been running for 3 weeks now, but my friend and I have been following this schedule for the last two. She doesn't believe me when I tell her that by the end of the 6 weeks we'll be able to run a full 5K. She says "No way! I'm going to die!". We've been running together and she's still alive (last time I checked) :) She doesn't know about my blog and she doesn't know why I'm really running. My friend who appears to be very weak and fragile will kick the 5K's ass! She just doesn't know it yet. I hope I make it to the half-marathon myself.

High-tech running shoes- I know you think they're cool

Link to this awesome comic site :Awesome comic site

Dear 20-year-old me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Qq6tSvY6O24

Dear 20 year-old Mariposa,

You have the cutest butt ever! Keep working out, girl! ;)

You just started an amazing journey that will make your life different forever. Τhe one of social activism. Start talking as soon as possible, no-one can talk on behalf of you, no-one can say the things you have in your head for you! You will meet people that will be your friends for many years to come, you will be tear-gassed, you will feel the solidarity, you will cry watching "Land & Freedom". You will be educated in politics, economics, history.

You will meet an amazing guy and you will feel things that are rear and you only get to have them maybe 1-2 times in your life, if you're lucky. Don't expect him to change, he never will. You will not be with him forever, but he will be your friend for ever, no matter how impossible he can be sometimes. Don't wait for him, he will ALWAYS be late. Don't worry he's not the last great guy you'll meet, so don't cry your eyes out so much!

Don't try too hard with some idiots you'll meet. If they look like idiots from the beginning, it's because the are!

Ιf you get sprayed with tear gas in your eyes DON'T try to remove your contacts. Your hands have tear-gas on them as well... It will hurt like hell for hours and you'll end up in the hospital!

Be more daring, have your personal happiness as the center of your life.

Ask for that boss of yours for insurance! No, seriously!

A drop of lubricant on the tip of the condom prevents it from breaking.

Please go to a professional hair-dresser for a descent haircut... Red? no, not really...
Don't be so judgmental with weak people, there will be a time that you will be so weak you will not be able to go out of bed.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. You will definitely do when you won't have any other choice.

Don't be so judgmental against psychology, medication, depressive people. Anti-depressives are not (just) the way of the system to fix you up a little so you can go back to your job and be productive. They will literally save your life.

Be more daring. Don't be afraid about what others will say. Travel more, join a volunteer group and visit Kenya, the place you were conceived.

You will be an engineer and that's awesome! You will live abroad as you've always wanted to! Choose a different topic for your master's...

I have no idea if you'll ever be happy; really, not a fucking clue...
The cool part is that all the things you were late to do, you can do them later.

Why is running good for you

A friend of mine wants to lose weight. Everyone else thinks she doesn't! We tell her she's sexy being slightly curvy... She's joining me when I run now! I told her that if we run we'll have a firm butt and we'll be able to eat more! What else can you ask for?
We get so excited that we have to keep ourselves from NOT following the schedule and not running more than we're supposed to! We check out the hot guys in the park, the other girls running.

At the last Greek elections there was a big rise of the neo-nazi party. They managed to enter the parliament with 7%. This criminal group has been stabbing, hitting, attempting to murder immigrants and leftists for many years. Now, for the first time their elected representative threw a glass of water on a female opponent and hit another one on a live TV show. I don't know why people are shocked more by some water than the fact that this guy has a pending trial for assault and robbery. The "surprising" factor is that for the first time they did it on national live TV.
A male friend of mine wrote an article about it saying that the attack was "ανανδρη" (literally, it means "not manly", metaphorically, it means "cowardly". I pointed out the sexism of his title, the fact that being noble and fair is a "manly" quality. He said that too much political-correctness is castrating the language. He pointed out the irony in his remark. Well played, my friend, well played...

The incident has been reproduced many times but here's a link with English subs

The fact is, that more and more people feel threatened by them, and the neo-nazis feel that they have total immunity. Lately they "warned" the gay community by throwing flyers at a gay-friendly area of Athens saying "after the immigrants, you're next" .
This Saturday there's the Gay Pride Athens parade. My lesbian friend says that apart from her being critic against it, she's too scared to go because of the threats. I also think the Pride Parade is lacking a political target, it's a harmless parade, but on the other hand, I'm sick of these neo-nazi bastards intimidating people.

This week I'm doing my long >40min walk at the Parade.
And if things get tough, I can always run!

Just one more

You can always run one more minute, I keep telling myself.
I don't actually say that. I'm just thinking:

-I don't want to run anymore
-just a few more seconds
-I'm skipping the next round
-if you skip once then you'll do it again, just keep going

I'm bored, it hurts, I'm hungry, tired, sad, I don't want to run, but I keep running.
Don't give up on this one, girl, don't give up on this one...

If you wanna kill yourself, remember that I love you!

Are you >30 and single? you're screwed! (but you won't get in relationship)

Quiz:

How many people do you know that are over 30 years old and got in a relationship this last year?

I don't know any!

Being in your 30's right in the middle of the worst economic crisis we've lived in ain't easy!
You might get laid, but you won't get in a relationship!

It's not like the guys (or girls) that you meet are not nice people, or kind, educated, interesting, or that you're not all these things yourself. It's just that we' re all so fucking scared... I always think "am I going too fast, am I pushing him, oh my god, he's going too fast, should I hold his hand in public, can I hug him now, hey, he's hugging me, that's weird...". Sometimes I know that if I really was in a relationship with this guy it would never work, but still I want to get into one to remember how it is and then be more normal with the next guy, who will be the real thing!

And then I remember that it's not supposed to be like this and that you really shouldn't think like this, and that we stopped looking into each others eyes and sending sweet texts to each other, and that this small word, "my", is not there. "my love, my baby, my girl, my boy".

A male friend of mine told me yesterday: "When it's about to get real, I disappear."
My friend is deeply romantic and very scared. He's also very sad.

At least some of us are lucky enough to have our friends around us, our safety net, that are substituting relationships, sometimes even family. My shrink says that we're substituting romantic relationships with our friends because we're not willing (we're tired, scared, too stressed) to take any risk. We're not willing to sacrifice things, because being involved in a romantic relationship implies "sacrificing" some parts of your privacy, time, emotions to be with someone else.

On the other hand, we're not really happy, are we? It's not like we have to be with someone else to be happy. But we've managed to go to the other side of it, sabotaging any attempt to be with someone in order not to end up being more sad. So we end up being "lågom", a Swedish word that means "not good, not bad". And so fucking boring!

I came back from Florence where I had a great time by myself!
I was looking at couples and I was thinking "Are they really happy? Are they going to last? Will they be like that in 5 years?".
Some of them looked happy, touching each other, caring for each other. Some others did not look into each others eyes anymore.

Guys, really, start looking into each other's eyes again... And please, mean it...

I'm going for my run daily run. My schedule is posted on my fridge door and I religiously follow it!