My funny Frankenstein

I once read in a book about analysis that depression is anger turned towards oneself.
I thought "that's one thing that doesn't apply to me!"; and then it hit me: for years I did not express almost any anger at all.

I realized I was getting better when I started getting angry, even at the smallest things: my dad's loud chewing- well, that's not small, I tell you. My dad's also known as "The Man Who eats Everything as if it Were Spaghetti..".- my friend who's playing constantly with her hair, the lady who's walking in front of me as if she's going on a stroll. Blind anger, rising in huge waves, a car's turbo engine- that's the sound in my head. My shrink said it's a great sign of progress, my obsessive-compulsive ex-boyfriend did not appreciate it at all that for the first time I could actually argue. - Obsessive-compulsive personalities are terrified by anger, because they' re afraid it will unleash the dark part of themselves that they're so afraid of. They can only accept anger if it's rationally justified, a contradiction that I don't need to analyze more...-

Ever since, I've started learning how to live with this ugly and deformed part of me. Sometimes it's blind, sometimes it's furious, sometimes it carries a lot of wisdom. If you learn to read your anger it can teach you a lot about yourself. I'm angry with my dad -apart from him being a really noisy chewer- because his presence reminds me that I still haven't gained my full independence. I'm angry at weak and sad people because I'm so strict with myself and I wouldn't allow any weakness for me. Whenever I think about someone else: "man up, you whining sissy, it's a tough world out there!", I remember that this mantra didn't let me take a break when life really stroke hard, and I kept going and going, until I there was really no more power left in me.

"Before you marry a guy you should see him angry and drunk" -said the pregnant girl who was at my age. Her husband bore an uncanny resemblance to a guy I dated for two months. He was like dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde; the most sensitive and caring guy for an hour and then the macho monster would wake up; the kind of guy who thinks that a woman shouldn't drive if there's a man in the car, the guy who'd swear at me for no reason at all and then beg for forgiveness. My guy picked the wrong girl -I'm a schizoid feminist, dude, not a masochist! - and I hope the pregnant girl really did see her guy angry...

A trip to a place I've never been before

When I don't write for a long time it usually means that I feel like shit and I want to die; or that I'm too busy having a great time!
This time it was a case of a really bad week. I found myself doing things with the same look of pointlessness that I had during my major depression months. 

In the meantime I kept following my schedule towards the 10K. Yesterday, for the first time, I ran for a whole 40 minutes. For the first time I did something I've never done before, I went to a place I've never been before. Next week it will be 50 minutes, then 60. It's extraordinary that you just keep going for 5 more minutes and you're at a new place. When I'm tired while I run I think "running really is putting one foot in front of the other"; and then I take another step, and another, and another...

My friend Papi C. is suffering from depression and I don't know how to help him.
Yesterday, I managed to tell him "you know, if you don't feel well, you can call me anytime. I'm here for you". It was so difficult because I meant every word, and I know that the most important thing for me when I could not do anything else but lay in bed feeling guilty because I was so helpless was that there where some loving people around me who persuaded me that they would be there for me no matter how shitty I look, even if I was just sitting there doing nothing and some of my few words where "there is not point...". These people told me "we are here for you" and they meant every single word.
What my schizoid personality and his panic of real relationships made me choke down was the simple words: "I love you, man...". I cannot help him get better, but these words, I owe to him.

This is a photo of me while I was in major depression:

I was sitting in the balcony under the sun doing nothing. And then I would try to go for a walk but I couldn't walk more that 10 minutes or so. I would go back home and do a little more of nothing. They would feed me and water me. My boyfriend at the time would come pick me up and take me for ice-cream. Sex was out of the question.
I started getting educated on the best ways to kill myself. I don't want to kill myself anymore, but when I hear people joking about killing themselves saying:  "I'm going to fall on the metro rails", I'm thinking:
"Amateurs... that's just a 5% success rate..."

The idea

There's a thought that's been going through my mind for a long time.
I want to leave, I want to travel and see more of the world. I think I'm going to run while I'm doing that. I have no money and just a vague idea of a plan. This is my way of -hopefully- running away from depression. I have little faith in the future and I don't know what else to do.

Running is my small victory, something I'm doing with my two legs, my lungs and my heart. I started because it's something you can do even if you have no-one in the world, and that's how I felt. I keep going because my great support group of friends and family will pat me on the back and ask me "How far did you go today?". A friend that has never been involved in any kind of physical exercise in his life asked me once: "Did we make it to the 10 minutes, yet?" and then I felt that I had to run. My sister will comment on every entry inspiring me to keep going. My coach from the Other Side of the World told me that I'm inspiring him; I run 6Ks and he's running Marathons. My brother will tell me that men suck and that I should keep going no matter what. My 34-year old single friend will recommend my blog to all the single 30+ year old friends who will mention anything about depression/running/biological clocks and kids. Papi C. will tell me "Let me know if you post anything new on your stupid blog", meaning he can't wait to read the new entry :)

The plan
Maybe I'll run with a "run-cuckoo-run" T-shirt on.
I don't want to "raise awareness". I want people who are depressed to tell their friends about it. I've made tons of excuses when I had to cancel meeting a friend because a few hours before I would start panicking about not feeling great when I'd meet him/her. Your family might be more understanding than you think. Your parents might feel you are blaming them in the beginning, but there's also a good chance they will support you, emotionally and even financially. Ask for help, because the more you're delaying it the harder it will be for you to recover. It took me 3 years to realize that I should do it.


The run
My first 10K race will be on Chios island, on September 2nd.
After that I'll take a boat to Turkey and according to my budget and time restrictions I will visit Cesme, Ayvalik and Izmir.

1st Chios run video and website:


1st Chios half-marathon





Wish me luck!

"Can't you just live and be happy at the same time?"

"2/3 of us don't ask for help..."

Yesterday, I had an awesome evening!

Before I went running I was feeling down, and dull and not wanting to move my ass out of the house. The insomnia stroke back after one year and I can't fall asleep before 7 am... Then, my friend came and we went running. We increased our running intervals from 2' to 3' with 1' walking in between. I think we ran a total of 2K. It might sound lame to you, but for us it's a big deal!

After my run my smile was big on my face, I was energetic and social :)
I went out for a drink with a girlfriend and we ended up at 5am with 2 other friends, swimming at the beach and watching the day wake up. I slept at 7am.
In your face, insomnia!

While we were at the beach we were talking about the "30's crisis" to one of the guys who just turned 30. Marriage, kids, what society expects you to do... We were saying that we're not very happy in general - my girlfriend is also depressed- and that the options are that either you die or you live being not very happy. The guy said "Can't you just live and be happy?

Weeeell, it's not like we prefer to be unhappy. Being depressed makes us suffer in a very profound way. I am glad I don't have this constant feeling of sadness and helplessness anymore. The truth is that it took me a long time to get here. I am taking my medication and I did almost two years of therapy. I'm still not entirely happy, but I am functional and I can enjoy life. There are still the down moments, but I'm still trying to figure things out.

There are some truths about depression:

1. One of the hardest thing about depression is that you feel that you'll never get out of it. It might also be true, if you've had too many periods of major depression and if you've never had any help.

2. The other big truth is that you don't HAVE to feel like that. You can really get out of this black hole that's dragging you.

3. People who've never had it, no matter how much they love you, might think you can just snap out of it. It's just a matter of "seeing things differently" and enjoying life. What they might not know is that when you're suffering from major depression your brain doesn't allow you to feel happiness and enjoy life. The chemical balance is broken. It's not that we don't want to be happy, we simply can't. We feel so sad and helpless that we might think to kill ourselves and some people try to- and succeed. It's not that we don't love you and we don't care about you. It's just that we feel so unhappy that our life is unbearable.
Ways that can help re-establish this balance are anti-depressants and therapy.

4. There are antidepressants that are not medication. Physical exercise, sex, some foods, sunlight, a hug can produce endorphins that make us happy. There is a point, though, that these "natural antidepressants" can't help anymore. I think this is what I'm trying to do by running. It's like my last resort; if this doesn't work, I don't know what else will...

Southern Europe is a sunny place, with happy, open people and strong family ties. At least, this used to be the case before the economic crisis stroke the PIGS (Portugal, Italy, Greece, Spain).
More and more people fall into depression and the attempts to suicide have risen dramatically.

If one of your friends/ relatives/ loved ones doesn't go out of the house, doesn't answer your calls, seems to be moody, abuses alcohol and drugs he/she might suffer from depression.
Don't be angry at him/her if they don't want to "snap out of it". Even I, sometimes, get angry when my loved ones realize they're depressed and they're not willing to do anything about it.

I think my anger shows that I see myself in them and how scared I am to go back to a major depression episode. It's like if they don't make it, I never will, either.

Our loved ones' anger is somehow different. It's like we're telling them "I don't love you enough to keep wanting to live for you".

It's true that other people can make us happy, but you cannot live your life for anyone else but yourself.


Some links with facts about depression:
Top 7 Therapy Myths
Major depression prognosis