Three- Four- Ten

Who says a minute doesn't make a difference?

Entering the 3rd week of training we increased our running from 3' to 4', a total of 20' with 1' walking breaks. When we began ( running  1' - walking 1' ) four minutes seemed like a huge deal. Yet, it went so smoothly!

Who can tell us that a minute is too little?

I am 31, unemployed and single. My resume has a one- year gap from the time I collapsed by depression. How do you explain that at your interview? Can I tell them that being alive is a huge accomplishment?

I might become 35 and not be married, I may be 40 and not have any kids. Do I have to do these things? I mean, it's not like I don't want to but it's not like I want to, either. I'd love to have a life partner, for ever and ever. If I don't find that person, do I still have to do them? Will I be so sad of being alone that I will regret it?

The last time at the beach, our newly 30-year old friend was bragging about his sweet and beautiful little niece and showed us her photo. She was really cute, but my uterus didn't skip a beat while looking at it. I'm not the kind of girl who melts at the view of babies. I don't even know what to do with them. Do you talk to them? Say hi?
And that question... "Do you like kids?"
What do you even mean? Do I like playing with them for 5 minutes? Do I want to have them? What if I say "No"? To tell you the truth, I don't like them in general! It's like saying: "Do you like people?". I don't know! I like some... But I've met them first! What kind of question is that anyway?

I called my ex- co-worker to congratulate her on her 35th birthday the other day. She is the "skipping-uterus" type! She is single, too. She is smart and beautiful, educated and doesn't look a day over 30. I asked her if she'd done anything special for her birthday.
- No, I've stopped celebrating my birthday 3-4 years ago...
-Why?
- What's there to celebrate? My youth? My kids?

I'm still shocked and angry at her!

Maybe that's why I don't let myself consider kids as amazingly cute and beautiful. Because, if I don't get to have them I may be crashed, too, by yet another goal that has not been accomplished... Would it be really my own goal, though? Or is it what everyone expects me to do in order to be considered "complete" as a woman and as a person? Maybe I got angry because I got scared I might feel the same way what I get to be 35...

I remember being with this wonderful guy, having some cretan raki, some chopped tomatoes  from my garden with sea-salt on them. The kind of guy you would never get bored with, not because he is exciting, but because you are so good for each other. An image flashed in my head, us doing the same thing, living together in a Greek island, the image of happiness. He said:
-You must be thinking of something evil again!
- No, not this time...

I just smiled at him.


Our next run will be 10' straight, and that's huge. Who can tell us that it isn't?

"If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you."

"Can't you just live and be happy at the same time?"

"2/3 of us don't ask for help..."

Yesterday, I had an awesome evening!

Before I went running I was feeling down, and dull and not wanting to move my ass out of the house. The insomnia stroke back after one year and I can't fall asleep before 7 am... Then, my friend came and we went running. We increased our running intervals from 2' to 3' with 1' walking in between. I think we ran a total of 2K. It might sound lame to you, but for us it's a big deal!

After my run my smile was big on my face, I was energetic and social :)
I went out for a drink with a girlfriend and we ended up at 5am with 2 other friends, swimming at the beach and watching the day wake up. I slept at 7am.
In your face, insomnia!

While we were at the beach we were talking about the "30's crisis" to one of the guys who just turned 30. Marriage, kids, what society expects you to do... We were saying that we're not very happy in general - my girlfriend is also depressed- and that the options are that either you die or you live being not very happy. The guy said "Can't you just live and be happy?

Weeeell, it's not like we prefer to be unhappy. Being depressed makes us suffer in a very profound way. I am glad I don't have this constant feeling of sadness and helplessness anymore. The truth is that it took me a long time to get here. I am taking my medication and I did almost two years of therapy. I'm still not entirely happy, but I am functional and I can enjoy life. There are still the down moments, but I'm still trying to figure things out.

There are some truths about depression:

1. One of the hardest thing about depression is that you feel that you'll never get out of it. It might also be true, if you've had too many periods of major depression and if you've never had any help.

2. The other big truth is that you don't HAVE to feel like that. You can really get out of this black hole that's dragging you.

3. People who've never had it, no matter how much they love you, might think you can just snap out of it. It's just a matter of "seeing things differently" and enjoying life. What they might not know is that when you're suffering from major depression your brain doesn't allow you to feel happiness and enjoy life. The chemical balance is broken. It's not that we don't want to be happy, we simply can't. We feel so sad and helpless that we might think to kill ourselves and some people try to- and succeed. It's not that we don't love you and we don't care about you. It's just that we feel so unhappy that our life is unbearable.
Ways that can help re-establish this balance are anti-depressants and therapy.

4. There are antidepressants that are not medication. Physical exercise, sex, some foods, sunlight, a hug can produce endorphins that make us happy. There is a point, though, that these "natural antidepressants" can't help anymore. I think this is what I'm trying to do by running. It's like my last resort; if this doesn't work, I don't know what else will...

Southern Europe is a sunny place, with happy, open people and strong family ties. At least, this used to be the case before the economic crisis stroke the PIGS (Portugal, Italy, Greece, Spain).
More and more people fall into depression and the attempts to suicide have risen dramatically.

If one of your friends/ relatives/ loved ones doesn't go out of the house, doesn't answer your calls, seems to be moody, abuses alcohol and drugs he/she might suffer from depression.
Don't be angry at him/her if they don't want to "snap out of it". Even I, sometimes, get angry when my loved ones realize they're depressed and they're not willing to do anything about it.

I think my anger shows that I see myself in them and how scared I am to go back to a major depression episode. It's like if they don't make it, I never will, either.

Our loved ones' anger is somehow different. It's like we're telling them "I don't love you enough to keep wanting to live for you".

It's true that other people can make us happy, but you cannot live your life for anyone else but yourself.


Some links with facts about depression:
Top 7 Therapy Myths
Major depression prognosis

Are you >30 and single? you're screwed! (but you won't get in relationship)

Quiz:

How many people do you know that are over 30 years old and got in a relationship this last year?

I don't know any!

Being in your 30's right in the middle of the worst economic crisis we've lived in ain't easy!
You might get laid, but you won't get in a relationship!

It's not like the guys (or girls) that you meet are not nice people, or kind, educated, interesting, or that you're not all these things yourself. It's just that we' re all so fucking scared... I always think "am I going too fast, am I pushing him, oh my god, he's going too fast, should I hold his hand in public, can I hug him now, hey, he's hugging me, that's weird...". Sometimes I know that if I really was in a relationship with this guy it would never work, but still I want to get into one to remember how it is and then be more normal with the next guy, who will be the real thing!

And then I remember that it's not supposed to be like this and that you really shouldn't think like this, and that we stopped looking into each others eyes and sending sweet texts to each other, and that this small word, "my", is not there. "my love, my baby, my girl, my boy".

A male friend of mine told me yesterday: "When it's about to get real, I disappear."
My friend is deeply romantic and very scared. He's also very sad.

At least some of us are lucky enough to have our friends around us, our safety net, that are substituting relationships, sometimes even family. My shrink says that we're substituting romantic relationships with our friends because we're not willing (we're tired, scared, too stressed) to take any risk. We're not willing to sacrifice things, because being involved in a romantic relationship implies "sacrificing" some parts of your privacy, time, emotions to be with someone else.

On the other hand, we're not really happy, are we? It's not like we have to be with someone else to be happy. But we've managed to go to the other side of it, sabotaging any attempt to be with someone in order not to end up being more sad. So we end up being "lågom", a Swedish word that means "not good, not bad". And so fucking boring!

I came back from Florence where I had a great time by myself!
I was looking at couples and I was thinking "Are they really happy? Are they going to last? Will they be like that in 5 years?".
Some of them looked happy, touching each other, caring for each other. Some others did not look into each others eyes anymore.

Guys, really, start looking into each other's eyes again... And please, mean it...

I'm going for my run daily run. My schedule is posted on my fridge door and I religiously follow it!