My funny Frankenstein

I once read in a book about analysis that depression is anger turned towards oneself.
I thought "that's one thing that doesn't apply to me!"; and then it hit me: for years I did not express almost any anger at all.

I realized I was getting better when I started getting angry, even at the smallest things: my dad's loud chewing- well, that's not small, I tell you. My dad's also known as "The Man Who eats Everything as if it Were Spaghetti..".- my friend who's playing constantly with her hair, the lady who's walking in front of me as if she's going on a stroll. Blind anger, rising in huge waves, a car's turbo engine- that's the sound in my head. My shrink said it's a great sign of progress, my obsessive-compulsive ex-boyfriend did not appreciate it at all that for the first time I could actually argue. - Obsessive-compulsive personalities are terrified by anger, because they' re afraid it will unleash the dark part of themselves that they're so afraid of. They can only accept anger if it's rationally justified, a contradiction that I don't need to analyze more...-

Ever since, I've started learning how to live with this ugly and deformed part of me. Sometimes it's blind, sometimes it's furious, sometimes it carries a lot of wisdom. If you learn to read your anger it can teach you a lot about yourself. I'm angry with my dad -apart from him being a really noisy chewer- because his presence reminds me that I still haven't gained my full independence. I'm angry at weak and sad people because I'm so strict with myself and I wouldn't allow any weakness for me. Whenever I think about someone else: "man up, you whining sissy, it's a tough world out there!", I remember that this mantra didn't let me take a break when life really stroke hard, and I kept going and going, until I there was really no more power left in me.

"Before you marry a guy you should see him angry and drunk" -said the pregnant girl who was at my age. Her husband bore an uncanny resemblance to a guy I dated for two months. He was like dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde; the most sensitive and caring guy for an hour and then the macho monster would wake up; the kind of guy who thinks that a woman shouldn't drive if there's a man in the car, the guy who'd swear at me for no reason at all and then beg for forgiveness. My guy picked the wrong girl -I'm a schizoid feminist, dude, not a masochist! - and I hope the pregnant girl really did see her guy angry...