A trip to a place I've never been before

When I don't write for a long time it usually means that I feel like shit and I want to die; or that I'm too busy having a great time!
This time it was a case of a really bad week. I found myself doing things with the same look of pointlessness that I had during my major depression months. 

In the meantime I kept following my schedule towards the 10K. Yesterday, for the first time, I ran for a whole 40 minutes. For the first time I did something I've never done before, I went to a place I've never been before. Next week it will be 50 minutes, then 60. It's extraordinary that you just keep going for 5 more minutes and you're at a new place. When I'm tired while I run I think "running really is putting one foot in front of the other"; and then I take another step, and another, and another...

My friend Papi C. is suffering from depression and I don't know how to help him.
Yesterday, I managed to tell him "you know, if you don't feel well, you can call me anytime. I'm here for you". It was so difficult because I meant every word, and I know that the most important thing for me when I could not do anything else but lay in bed feeling guilty because I was so helpless was that there where some loving people around me who persuaded me that they would be there for me no matter how shitty I look, even if I was just sitting there doing nothing and some of my few words where "there is not point...". These people told me "we are here for you" and they meant every single word.
What my schizoid personality and his panic of real relationships made me choke down was the simple words: "I love you, man...". I cannot help him get better, but these words, I owe to him.

This is a photo of me while I was in major depression:

I was sitting in the balcony under the sun doing nothing. And then I would try to go for a walk but I couldn't walk more that 10 minutes or so. I would go back home and do a little more of nothing. They would feed me and water me. My boyfriend at the time would come pick me up and take me for ice-cream. Sex was out of the question.
I started getting educated on the best ways to kill myself. I don't want to kill myself anymore, but when I hear people joking about killing themselves saying:  "I'm going to fall on the metro rails", I'm thinking:
"Amateurs... that's just a 5% success rate..."

The idea

There's a thought that's been going through my mind for a long time.
I want to leave, I want to travel and see more of the world. I think I'm going to run while I'm doing that. I have no money and just a vague idea of a plan. This is my way of -hopefully- running away from depression. I have little faith in the future and I don't know what else to do.

Running is my small victory, something I'm doing with my two legs, my lungs and my heart. I started because it's something you can do even if you have no-one in the world, and that's how I felt. I keep going because my great support group of friends and family will pat me on the back and ask me "How far did you go today?". A friend that has never been involved in any kind of physical exercise in his life asked me once: "Did we make it to the 10 minutes, yet?" and then I felt that I had to run. My sister will comment on every entry inspiring me to keep going. My coach from the Other Side of the World told me that I'm inspiring him; I run 6Ks and he's running Marathons. My brother will tell me that men suck and that I should keep going no matter what. My 34-year old single friend will recommend my blog to all the single 30+ year old friends who will mention anything about depression/running/biological clocks and kids. Papi C. will tell me "Let me know if you post anything new on your stupid blog", meaning he can't wait to read the new entry :)

The plan
Maybe I'll run with a "run-cuckoo-run" T-shirt on.
I don't want to "raise awareness". I want people who are depressed to tell their friends about it. I've made tons of excuses when I had to cancel meeting a friend because a few hours before I would start panicking about not feeling great when I'd meet him/her. Your family might be more understanding than you think. Your parents might feel you are blaming them in the beginning, but there's also a good chance they will support you, emotionally and even financially. Ask for help, because the more you're delaying it the harder it will be for you to recover. It took me 3 years to realize that I should do it.


The run
My first 10K race will be on Chios island, on September 2nd.
After that I'll take a boat to Turkey and according to my budget and time restrictions I will visit Cesme, Ayvalik and Izmir.

1st Chios run video and website:


1st Chios half-marathon





Wish me luck!